Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall. We survived hibernation!
Sunday October 2, 2011
While I was hibernating the summer away fighting the wolf, I listened to a lot of Lady Gaga and did a lot of thinking. I highly recommend both. Lady Gaga has changed my life in immeasurable ways but that's for a future post. Anyways, I thought a lot about my life and what I've been through. ;Because I've been through a lot. ;Not like, born in the Sudan fighting for my life lot, but heaps of dysfunction. And the saddest part for me? The little girl lost. ;I was born such a happy, full of life, trusting kid who had to learn quickly how to fight and was never able to stop fighting for long. Never able to feel safe, to get out of the corner with my back up against it, waiting. I fought well for so long that I grew cocky. I never believed I was immortal but definitely believed that I was emotionally infallible and that nothing would EVER cripple me. Until many years later, I was finally infiltrated, attacked, wounded and eventually, heart-wrenchingly crippled while I was at my weakest by some wolves in sheep's clothing. Crippled, but still breathing, and still fighting...we can NEVER stop fighting, my friends, even holding on clinging by the tiniest grip of our fingertips, never stop fighting, EVER.
At the time of the crippling attacks, my journey in life had taken me so far away from who I was born to be. The little girl that God created for a reason was long forgotten. My purpose in life, the reason God made me and continues to keep me here while others have to leave every single minute of every single day wasn't ever considered by me. I had been chipped away at so many different levels in so many different ways that I no longer knew who I was and forgot to care. All of life's damaging blows and my reactions to it had made me who I was. A broken woman. Since then, I have been on the rocky road of healing and getting back to the person who God intended me to be; the women I should have been; the woman God created me to be. I had one of many life epiphanies I have been blessed with and it became clear to me with 100% certainty that I need to be the person that God created me to be to have any chance of lasting happiness. I am so far from that with a lot of scars and baggage and dysfunction that I need to overcome. No, that's not true, they're not all scars, a lot of them are still wounds that may never become scars if I don't let them heal and stop picking at them.
It feels like I am peeling away layers of an onion and with every painful peel that always results in lots of tears and eventually leads to some healing, some more clarity and sometimes a small step and once in a while a big step closer to becoming who I am meant to be. At the same time, the process exposes so many more layers that I need to eventually peel back even further and explore to keep growing and healing. Sometimes it's quite daunting and exhausting both emotionally and physically; I keep reminding myself that life is a jouney not a destination or race. I still have my back in the corner facing the world and that might never change but I try as much as possible not to have my fists up awaiting the next battle.
So these past 200 + days that you haven't heard from me I thought a lot about what I have overcome up to now and what I still need to overcome to become the person I was created to be. And how the journey will be worth it once I am fully living as the person God intended me to be before life changed who I was so significantly yet also so slowly and cunningly over my life time . In another blessed epiphany, I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I have found my purpose. I finally get it, the pieces of the puzzle of my life fit together in a way I could never have fathomed before, my purpose clear. I need to share my journey with you. Despite it being so difficult for me to share my pain and be honest with others to this scale, I know that is what I need to do. There is a reason I had to, and continue to, go through intense experiences that cause such extreme emotional and physical stress and hopefully that reason is to help you. And in turn, to help myself. To do that, I have no choice but to honestly share so you can fully understand the lessons I have learned. Because if any of those lessons help you, then it makes the blood, sweat and tears it took to survive them worth it in my heart and soul. I have spent too many years surviving, I choose to thrive today. I hope you thrive today too; you deserve it and God loves you with all his heart. Now we just have to learn to love ourselves as much.
xoxo,
Heather
P.S. ~I am going to try my best to post more often but I need YOUR support or I know me, see ya in 200 more days, lol. I am trying very hard to just plant seeds and water my garden and be patient but it is so hard for me with no feedback. I need encouragement! So please next time you are on Facebook, search Lupus Celebrity and Become a FAN of my page so I know you are out there listening.
While I was hibernating the summer away fighting the wolf, I listened to a lot of Lady Gaga and did a lot of thinking. I highly recommend both. Lady Gaga has changed my life in immeasurable ways but that's for a future post. Anyways, I thought a lot about my life and what I've been through. ;Because I've been through a lot. ;Not like, born in the Sudan fighting for my life lot, but heaps of dysfunction. And the saddest part for me? The little girl lost. ;I was born such a happy, full of life, trusting kid who had to learn quickly how to fight and was never able to stop fighting for long. Never able to feel safe, to get out of the corner with my back up against it, waiting. I fought well for so long that I grew cocky. I never believed I was immortal but definitely believed that I was emotionally infallible and that nothing would EVER cripple me. Until many years later, I was finally infiltrated, attacked, wounded and eventually, heart-wrenchingly crippled while I was at my weakest by some wolves in sheep's clothing. Crippled, but still breathing, and still fighting...we can NEVER stop fighting, my friends, even holding on clinging by the tiniest grip of our fingertips, never stop fighting, EVER.
At the time of the crippling attacks, my journey in life had taken me so far away from who I was born to be. The little girl that God created for a reason was long forgotten. My purpose in life, the reason God made me and continues to keep me here while others have to leave every single minute of every single day wasn't ever considered by me. I had been chipped away at so many different levels in so many different ways that I no longer knew who I was and forgot to care. All of life's damaging blows and my reactions to it had made me who I was. A broken woman. Since then, I have been on the rocky road of healing and getting back to the person who God intended me to be; the women I should have been; the woman God created me to be. I had one of many life epiphanies I have been blessed with and it became clear to me with 100% certainty that I need to be the person that God created me to be to have any chance of lasting happiness. I am so far from that with a lot of scars and baggage and dysfunction that I need to overcome. No, that's not true, they're not all scars, a lot of them are still wounds that may never become scars if I don't let them heal and stop picking at them.
It feels like I am peeling away layers of an onion and with every painful peel that always results in lots of tears and eventually leads to some healing, some more clarity and sometimes a small step and once in a while a big step closer to becoming who I am meant to be. At the same time, the process exposes so many more layers that I need to eventually peel back even further and explore to keep growing and healing. Sometimes it's quite daunting and exhausting both emotionally and physically; I keep reminding myself that life is a jouney not a destination or race. I still have my back in the corner facing the world and that might never change but I try as much as possible not to have my fists up awaiting the next battle.
So these past 200 + days that you haven't heard from me I thought a lot about what I have overcome up to now and what I still need to overcome to become the person I was created to be. And how the journey will be worth it once I am fully living as the person God intended me to be before life changed who I was so significantly yet also so slowly and cunningly over my life time . In another blessed epiphany, I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I have found my purpose. I finally get it, the pieces of the puzzle of my life fit together in a way I could never have fathomed before, my purpose clear. I need to share my journey with you. Despite it being so difficult for me to share my pain and be honest with others to this scale, I know that is what I need to do. There is a reason I had to, and continue to, go through intense experiences that cause such extreme emotional and physical stress and hopefully that reason is to help you. And in turn, to help myself. To do that, I have no choice but to honestly share so you can fully understand the lessons I have learned. Because if any of those lessons help you, then it makes the blood, sweat and tears it took to survive them worth it in my heart and soul. I have spent too many years surviving, I choose to thrive today. I hope you thrive today too; you deserve it and God loves you with all his heart. Now we just have to learn to love ourselves as much.
xoxo,
Heather
P.S. ~I am going to try my best to post more often but I need YOUR support or I know me, see ya in 200 more days, lol. I am trying very hard to just plant seeds and water my garden and be patient but it is so hard for me with no feedback. I need encouragement! So please next time you are on Facebook, search Lupus Celebrity and Become a FAN of my page so I know you are out there listening.
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